Deal with the Long Night

I think I have already had insomnia since I was a child. When I was a very little girl, I watched Quis Siapa dia and Berpacu Dalam Melody broadcasted at considerably late night for infant. After all tv programs were over, I usually cried. I do not know why, may be I felt sad because of loosing companion.

In elementary school period, I often stayed awake alone when I spent a night at my grandma's house. I slept with my cousins (who became my friends too in the same time). We talked before fell asleep, and finally I was the one left awake when they slept after long talk. My grandma usually checked us and on the next day told everybody that I did not sleep until late night alone.

In junior high school, I stayed awake in purpose. I liked to watch drama serries aired at late night so that I could tell my friends at school the plot of the drama. It was the same when I was in senior high, I  did not sleep early in purpose. It was for several reason such as watching night tv program, doing assigntments, studying for exam, reading teenlit and komik, or talking with my friends in boarding house.

In university life, I aware that going to bed late is not good for health. My friend told me that it affects liver condition. Some reference said that it will affect the psychological condition that lead to be easy angry and stress because of lack of enough sleep. Furthermore, a reference said that sleeping in the morning or afternoon can not replace the function of sleeping at night. We can not pay the debt of not sleeping at night by sleeping in the other time. It can not replace the rest fuction of sleep in one day.

I tried to sleep in enough time at night. I believe that going to sleep early and waking up early is good. However it is so difficult for me who has insomnia problem since I was a kid. The difficulty is increasing together with the increase of stress level. For example in recent time, I do not really know what exactly makes me worry, but sometimes I feel insecure. I already finished all thesis atribute and graduation requirements. The application for something worth struggle was also completed. However, I think I have something disturbs my brain that makes my insomnia emerges. Almost everyday in Ramadhan month I did not sleep until Sahur time and finally I continued not to sleep until Subuh. It is Ok since I could sleep after that although I know that it will not replace the function of sleeping at night. It becomes problem when I have to go to campus for humanitarian summer school along this week. The agenda will be from the morning until evening. What if I barely can sleep at night.  There is a possibility that I will not sleep for a week. 

I posted about this problem on my line status. One of my friend commented, 'do you really forget the way to sleep?' From that comment, I think I have to remember how to get some sleep. I tried to turn off the lamp, it still did not work. I tried to listen to the music too, the result, I listened several songs twice aired in Prambors until almost sahur time, I fall asleep for a moment and had to get up for meal. Zzz.. I tried to remember the other way to sleep. Turn on cable tv will not help, since I tend to be interested in watching movie until the end instead of sleeping. My struggle lead to the trying of reading a book. I can stay a long night in order to finish reading a good novel or fiction book. Therefore, the book has to be harder than that. I chose Thomas Oatley book, International Political Economy, on the first try. The result, after several pages on the chosen chapter, I felt sleepy for the first time during lately insomnia attack. I slept before midnight and felt fresh when I got up for sahur. I thanks to God for this. Tonight I continued my insomnia therapy using this metodh. I waked up for sahur facing the book opened beside of me in my bed, means that I got enough sleep last night.

Based on my experience, I recommend this way to do when someone has to deal with the insomnia. Try to read quite hard book. My suggestion is that the books should be relevant with your life, background study, or future goal. Based on the reference I read, sleeping after studying will help memorizing what we just learn. By doing this, we do not only heal the insomnia, but we also can digest the information needed from the relevant book very well.

Yekti, July 8, 2015.

seragam merah putih yang ceria

Next Monday I will join elementary school students in fag ceremony at their school (Upacara Bendera). I applied for Kelas Inspirasi Program in my hometown, Magetan, East Java. The program activity is teaching elementary school students for one day. The aim of this program is giving elementary school students inspiration to reach the profession they want in the future by presenting many professionals from various fields into their class. The teachers are the volunteers who are the professionals at their job field. Actually I am not fulfill the requirement since I do not have profession yet. However, because I wrote my application in such persuasive way (I do not really know why I am accepted), I can join this program.

Joining Flag Ceremony will be exciting since it can call back the memory of school age. I do not know yet in which school I will teach that day. As my hometown has mountains and many beautiful villages, there is a possibility for me to pass the road in the mountain or go through beautiful villages to reach the school where I am going to teach. Just FYI, all roads in Magetan are in good condition already (aspalt), even in villages and mountain. Do not need to worry about it.

Having experience filling on-line application directly on the web table and I lost all document I already wrote because of the bad internet connection, I copied all what I wrote on the web application form on the ms.word before I clicked 'submit' button. Today, I accidentally opened that file when I wrote my paper conference for the event of Bandung Conference and Beyond. I do not know why, but I just want to share 2 parts of application form components. Here they are:

The question is: why do you want to be the volunteer in this program?

Saya tinggal di daerah pedesaan di Kabupaten Magetan. Tepat di depan rumah saya terdapat sebuah sekolah dasar yang dapat saya amati hingga kini melalui kaca jendela besar di ruang tamu. Saya melihat banyak putra-putri daerah Magetan memiliki potensi, kecerdasan, dan bakat luar biasa namun terkadang tidak memiliki keberuntungan kesempatan seperti yg saya miliki. Beberapa teman saya dan mungkin banyak lagi anak-anak Magetan saat ini hanya menyelesaikan pendidikan sampai SMA. Banyak di antaranya bekerja di sektor non formal. 

Seperti Bill Clinton kecil yang terinspirasi sejak kunjungan mahasiswa ke sekolahnya hingga dia bercita-cita tinggi dan meraihnya, saya ingin menginspirasi anak-anak daerah saya untuk memiliki mimpi besar dan menumbuhkan keyakinan bahwa mimpi tersebut dapat tercapai. Dengan keyakinan dan upaya kuat, pasti ada jalan bagi mereka untuk meraih impian mereka dan tidak menyia-nyiakan potensi yang mereka miliki, entah untuk membangun Magetan menjadi lebih baik maupun mengejar mimpi di luar sana.

Question: please share your unique experience when you studied at high school grade 

Saya bertemu dengan sahabat terbaik saya pada saat SMA. Dia adalah orang dengan impian besar. Ketika ditanya ingin kuliah di mana oleh teman-teman sekolah, dia mengatakan ingin kuliah di Oxford, sampai-sampai seorang teman berkata, "Maksudku universitas yang nyata, di Indonesia". Namun demikian, dia membuatku berfikir bahwa Oxford pun bisa menjadi nyata. Kami berteman baik sampai kelas 3 SMA. Belajar bersama sampai dini hari (karena kami tinggal di kost) dan hang out bersama. Sampai sekarang kami masih berteman baik meskipun tinggal di kota yang berbeda. Seperti impian besarnya, dia pernah mendapatkan program exchange ke Jerman dan Polandia, tetapi belum ke Oxford. Karena ucapannya semasa kami di SMA, saya berencana untuk melanjutkan S-3 saya di Oxford dan saya yakin akan mendapatkannya.

Thanks for New Year Eve, 2015

All of my aunts has a handsome husband. Since my mother and my father are the oldest children in their family, I have several aunts from both family. Like what I have said, all of them has a handsome husband. That is why when one of my aunts asked me what is my criteria for my future husband, I answered that he has to be handsome too like my uncles (husbands of my aunts) --> inspired by aunts. haha. Handsome in this case is not always physically like model or cover boy in the magazine. In my perspective, handsome can be the effect of charisma, behavior or intelligence. Sometimes, boys with very handsome face look uninteresting at all if they have bad attitude. In the other hand, boys with ordinary physical appearance will look interesting because they are smart, kind and charismatic. Those criteria are owned by my uncles. They probably kind, smart, religious, or charismatic.

All those couple (my aunts and their husband) has their own unique love story. My favorite aunt, little sister of my mother had her first date with her husband in junior high school. Before marriage, they had relationship for about 11 or 12 years. She is so beautiful that several boys in her junior high tried to chase her, but she just only chose my uncle. Even, she is so overconfidence in one case. There is a neighbor who passed away in Batam Island because of sickness. A man. I do not know about him. He had been in Batam since long time ago. That day I visited my aunt's house when she just came back from that man's house for ta'jiah. She told me that the man who just passed away was her friend in junior high. He also one of boys who chase her that time. Unfortunately she chose my uncle. That man was broken heart. My aunt questioned why that man did not marry after he was successful and wealthy in Batam. Confidently my aunt said, "He still love me, even he still love me until the end of his life. Cintanya padaku sampai dibawa mati." Whattt??? totally over confident. ZZzzz... 

Let's move to the main story: the other couple. My aunt, little sister of my father and her husband. Her husband named Pujo Bandono. He is very handsome both physically and behaviorally. He is smart too. Even, I often write about him in my motivation letter of scholarship as one of my families/relatives who work in education field like my parents that inspires me (a little bit) to probably work in the same field--education. He is a teacher in one of senior favorite state high schools in Madiun.

My first meeting with him was in an afternoon several month before the marriage of them. Unlike my aunt who has been in relationship with my uncle since in junior high, this aunt just had a short time relationship with my uncle before marriage. Friend of them introduced them each other. That afternoon I was in my grandma's house. Watching afternoon TV series with my cousin. He came to meet my aunt in living room. In tv room, my cousin and I peeped them through the space of cupboard just to know the face of this man. We found out that this man is very handsome. Black straight hair, white skin, tidy in his office outfit. He just went home from office. At that time he was just honorer teacher in private school. My first impression about him is that he is very handsome, kind person and polite. After TV series, my cousin and I seemed like never stop talking about that man in water gate of the river, favorite place to play in the afternoon, near grandma's house. That man is so handsome, kind, and polite. His name Pujo Bandono.

My next meeting with him was in my house. He and his friend who introduced him to my aunt discussed further serious relationship and marriage with my parents as my aunt's oldest brother and sister. Same with the first meeting, I just listened their conversation from tv room while watching TVRI broadcasting Mbak Wuri (daughter of my elementary school teacher) performed traditional dance in central park of the town. I still remember what tv show I watched that time.

Several moths later, he married my aunt. I became putri patah (little girls who sit beside bride and groom bringing kipas, sorry I don't know the term in English) in their wedding. In just married situation, they came to the wedding of my aunt who I told has long time relationship since they were in junior high. Those two aunts are in the same age that they married in almost same time. I also became putri patah in this wedding. After party, my aunt for the first time asked me to call her husband to go home. She said, "call Om Pujo, we will go home." At that time I know for the first time how to call him: Om Pujo.

After marriage, Om Pujo passed the test of civil servant recruitment. I read from the Holly Qur'an but forget what ayyat about rizki after marriage. The essence of the ayyat if I am not mistaken, do not worry about rizki when you want to marry. Allah may guarantee rizki for you. That is I proved, he got a good position in good state high school after patiently became honorer teacher in private ordinary school.

They have 3 children. One girl, named Dea and two boys (twin), named Fauzi and Fauzan. Dea is my favorite cousin since she is so loyal to me, always do whatever I told her. haha. 2nd grade of junior high school. She voluntary accompanied me to the tourism destination when I asked. She is obsessed to buy or take Edelweiss Flower in Lawu Mountain when I took her to Sarangan Lake and Strawberry Garden. I told them I wanted to buy beautiful plastic flower sold by one shop around Sarangan Lake, she told me, "Ih, aku gak seneng mbak sama bunga plastik. Aku sek pengen bunga edelweiss, bunga abadi. Kamu mbak senengnya yang palsu-palsu, bukan yang abadi." Zingg... Okay, then I stop to like fake one, for example boy with fake feeling and fake intention.

I like their family since they are idealist one unlike my other families who are realist. They love art and culture too. Even, this aunt bought me good-quality "sampur" (long fabric with accessories in both of its end used for dancing in java dance) from other city without I asked. Om Pujo also has several costume like various mask and traditional cloth. This family also since first time supported me when I participated in the contest of tourism ambassador in my hometown. Firstly, I did not told my mom that I participated since she will think that those kinds of contest are something useless. My aunt and my uncle supported me so much, starting from lent me motorcycle to go to one-week training after chosen as top-10 contestant because all motorcycle at my home used by my parents, I couldn't drive car yet; tried to borrow kebaya (traditional dress of Java) from neighbor; lent me best-quality jarik (traditional fabric with batik motive) for session of art and culture performance; and finally attended grand final of that contest until midnight. Little disappointed because I just get 2nd winner.

They also like to do something fun. Not too serious like the other adult people. Lately, they had plan with me to go hiking in Lawu Mountain and go to Pacitan to visit beaches and caves. However, those plans are not executed yet since it is still not proper yet to go hiking because of the rainy season and going to Pacitan in new year will make us desperate because of heavy traffic. What I want to emphasize is that this family is the proper one to talk about extraordinary ideas like applying a position in united nation or buying an island in pacific ocean may be. Ideas that may be my parents will laugh out loud and tell me to get up. I really did the first one, applying united nation, took test, and still waiting for the result and probably will do the second one someday, buying an island in pacific. :D

In new year 2015, I spent change of the year in grandma's home. So quiet. It is surrounded by rivers. Various plants grow there. Many pot with beautiful flowers. At night, we can hear the sound of the water in the river. Fresh air. Family with member whom I can talk about extraordinary ideas. Several of my friend in Yogyakarta sent me message, asking to spend new year eve together. For me, like tabaruj, new year party is something I'm bored already. Every year I joined new year party. This year I enjoyed new year in grand ma's house with little cousins, grandma, parents, aunt, and uncle. They made cuisine Rica-rica at that time. Me with my loyal cousins who voluntary do whatever I told (haha) had conversation in front of tv. Fauzi and Fauzan had new bikes. I asked Dea to teach me Arabic language since she studied in Islamic junior high school and learn this language. With my aunt and uncle, we talked about plan to go to Pacitan for picnic. That was peace new year so far without party.

We still have unpaid plan to go to the top of Lawu Mountain and Pacitan. One I haven't told in this writing is that Om Pujo little bit has a strange behavior. It is related to his sickness. I do not really know what it is, probably asthma or heavy flu or something like that one. He is really careful related to food. Even, a lot of family talking about this behavior. They sometimes hurt when Om Pujo do not eat food served in certain house. He had to make sure about the origin, process and ingredient of the food before he eat. I think it is no problem. Me, my self, also selective about food related to my mag disease. Why they are so mind.

I do not really know what exactly Om Pujo's disease. Several week ago my mom text me that Om Pujo was in the hospital. I think it was just ordinary. Even, one day my father hospitalized because of certain disease, I did not even go home, still stay in Yogyakarta for many business. My father went home, healthy until now. Everybody can be hospitalized and healthy again I think. My little brother too. Except me, I never have heavy disease that make me stay in hospital. I think it is because I am selective in choosing food. haha. I am over slim but never sick. I will write the tips someday.

I still continue my activity as usual. My mother text me again one night that she just came back from grandma's homevisiting Om Pujo who just went home from hospital but he still felt problem in respiration system. Oh, it is just common I think. My father also has respiration problem. Even, my friend who is younger than me also has that kind of problem.

In the next day, afternoon, as usual I neglected my cellphone and it was off because out of power battery too. I am not the kind of person who always checked cellphone every time. I hate situation when I talked to somebody and that person looked at his/her phone. I prefer to stop talking and waited until that person finished with his/her phone. 

After turning my cell phone on, among several text, I got one text from my mom. She told me that Om Pujo was hospitalized again. Then next text arrived. My mom. She told me that Om Pujo passed away.

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That time, I was in the car with my friends, automatically I said loudly Astagfirullahaladzim instead of Innalillahi wa innaillaihi rajiun.

It is just unbelievable. So sudden.

"knowing him is like driving a new Maserati down a dead-end street
Faster than the wind, passionate as sin, ending so suddenly"

Stranger, who finally become the husband of my aunt. Father of my cousins.

I never know what disease you have. Always selective for choosing food is Ok. Totally Ok. I also do that for my digestive health. And for all, please take care of yourself. Finally, all is the destiny of Allah. It is written already.

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After several days, my mom asked me whether I have free time or not. I did not go home in the day my uncle passed away because nobody could pick me up in the train station far away from home because all family was busy with funeral, etc. Today my mom told me to go home if I have free time. She told me to visit my aunt. I questioned why, what for, everybody has visited her and the agenda of Tahlil every night after uncle's death already completed. Then I rethink, it is to help her relief her broken heart probably. I still can not imagine what her feeling.

Dear the family that I can share my extraordinary ideas. Thanks for the new year eve 2015. That time was the last time I met Om Pujo. Last words I heard from him were when he told me to have dinner with Rica-rica that he made. 

We also still have plan to go hiking to Puncak Lawu. May be someday I will go there. Go to the place above the cloud, enjoy fresh air, and pick several Edelweiss Flowers--Dea's favourite.
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Like Valerie Minner who write about her family in her book "The Low Road", I write this for Om Pujo, may be someday people who know him accidentally read this and know him memorize him. View from my perspective of course.

Why Did You Lie?

I miss swings. There are so many swings in my memory, when I was a child, my father made me swings in front of grandma's joglo house. We're still lived there since my parents did not have our own house yet. The swing always changed. Sometimes my aunt made non-permanent-swing hung on the Guava tree. She is my favourite aunt since she is very kind. She looked after me when my parents were still in office. At that time she was in senior high school. She is beautiful and charming. She had many friends. I thought she was considered as 'anak gaul'. :D In the evening, sometimes she took me to her friend's house. I joined her for hanging-out with up-to-date-teenagers. I was an infant or baby at that time, about 3 years old. On Sunday, I joined her watched Album Minggu, a TV program which broadcasted pop songs on Sunday. In the evening, sometimes she took me to the field. We rode bicycle. We had harvest tomatoes and chilli in the grandma's field. That was so amazing for me, rode bicycle in the evening passed little road between little river and rice field. The field named Punthuk. Punthuk is the land higher than the other surrounded it. To reach it we had to pass little bridge since it was surrounded by little irrigation. Then we had to climb the stair made from stone. Punthuk usually used to plant chilli, tomato, etc while the low land surround it is used to plant rice.

After moved to my new house I still often spent week-end and holiday in my grandma's house. At that time my aunt already had a job. My parents were considered as strict parents. They always mad when knowing I did mistakes. My mom always check whether I was naughty or not, then my aunt said I was nice. In fact, I was really naughty.

Again when there was a long holiday on fasting month, I spent the holiday in grandma's house. My grandma told my mom that I was so lazy to get up for Sahur. My mom check to the grandma's house. She was ready to angry. However, I found out that my aunt told my mom that I was not like that. I woke up easily for Sahur. After my mom went home, my aunt told me patiently that I have to wake up for Sahur diligently. Otherwise I am not allowed to stay in my grandma's house anymore. She will not protect me again in front of my mom. What a nice memory. I had a guardian. :D

Yesterday she visited my house with her children. After Pray Ashar I joined them with my family in the living room. My mom said, "Why don't you shake your aunt's hand?" In Bahasa --> "kamu kok gak salim dulu gimana sih?". I thought that was so ordinary then I laughed as usual. However, unlike my expectation. My aunt did not give her hand to shake hand with me. She said to my mom that I already shaked her hand. "Udah, tadi udah salim kok dia." I did not know. What kind of lie it was. I just do not believe that she still lied to protect me. Until now. Until I grow up. Dear aunt, why did you lie? Dear God, thanks for sending me a guardian. It is guardian for little things but I think it is meaningful for me. Meaningful means that I know there are people in this world love and care me so much. The last case was not significant for me since my mom is not as dangerous as she used to be. However I just wondering why my aunt still lie to protect me. It is untold. That evening that lie just in my mind and her mind.  

Je voulais te dire que je t'attends

One day one movie is a program I made recently. I will watch a movie per day. There are several reasons; First of all, I really need to refresh my mind and soul since there are several pressure in my life, such as love (toujour), thesis, job, etc. In the thesis-writing workshop, Mas Eric, one of the IRs lecturer and the head of the study program said that when we are stuck already in writing or thinking, it will be better for us to watch the movie or go strolling. That is why, watching movie every day is the part of my thesis writing program and my effort to chase my dreams. The second reason is because my membership in the library of IFI-LIP will end soon. Btw, movies that I watch are and will be France movies and I watch them in the library of IFI-LIP by borrowing its collection. So far I rarely use my membership card either for borrowing books or watching the movies. I paid rather expensive for this membership, that is why if I don't use it maximally before the validity ends it will be such kind of lost for me. The last reason is that I really want to improve my listening skill in Frech. I think watching French movie will little bit help.

It is the fourth day if I am not mistaken. Wait, first movie was Bel Ami, second was Priceless, oh, no, it is just the third day. Sorry. Today I chose "Oublier Cheyenne". I chose that movie because from the synopsis, I found out that the movie told about the Physic teacher who tries to forget her love who goes away. I think it will be so good, but I found out that her love is actually a woman too. hahh.. I don't like lesbian-story movie because there is no handsome boy in the main story. What a boring movie. Then I stop to watch it at about in the minute 24 then changed to the other movie.

I chose "He Loves Me He Loves Me Not". The main actor was Audrey Tautou. This movie first of all tells about the girl, Angelique (Audrey Tautou) who is in love withe cardiology doctor. Unfortunately, the doctor is married already. His wife is a lawyer. Angelique told her closes friends about her affairs with this doctor. She sent many gifts for the doctor, starting from the beautiful flower until the painting of his face. Oh ya, I forget to tell that Angelique is a talented artist, he is a painter. He got a scholarship because of her talent. 

Angelique found out that the doctor's wife was pregnant and it will make the doctor difficult to leave his wife. However, several days later the wife lost her baby because of the accident. After that the wife felt so upset and seemed to know the affairs of her husband. She left the house. After all of the chaos, Angelique told her friends that she will have a vacation to the other city (sorry I forget the name) with the doctor. The doctor named Luic, btw. On the day of the departure, Luic never came. Angelique felt so sad, she waited in the airport until late at night. On the way home, she dropped her stuffs (her bag containing clothes for vacation) into the river from the bridge she passed. She was suffer after that. Her friend, a guy who loves her, a medical student, came to Luic office and angry because Luic mad Angelique suffer. However, he got no result. Luic said that it is all over.

On the suffer period, Angelique still asked her friend to send Luic a gift. She said it is for the last time and she will never think about him anymore. However, on tv she watched that Luic has a problem because he attached his patient. The patient is a powerful woman and said that she will make Luic lost his career. Knowing this, Angelique searched the woman's address and killed her. Police thought that the person who kill the patient was Luic, then Luic was arrested. Angelique found out that Luic's wife supported him so much. She saw that they love each other, then Angelique do away with herself using the gass at her home. Luic was set free because his wife who is a lawyer can give a prove that Luic is innocent. Luic house is close to Angelique, that is why Luic can save Angelique's life when finally she was found in the suffer condition.

After Angelique's condition became ameliorate, Luic visited her room at the hospital. Angelique was so happy. Luic asked her whether her family already know about it, then Angelique said that she doesn't have family. She is alone in this world.

In the end of the movie, I found out that actually there is no affair between Angelique and Luic. It is just only Angelique's imagination. In her head, Luic loves her and planned to leave his wife for her. Her gifts makes Luic confused and his wife mad. I found out too that Angelique caused the accident that makes Luic's wife lost her baby. Her gifts became such kind of terror for Luic. Finally Luic knew that the person who do terror him so far is Angelique, her neighbour. He knew it from one of the letter that told that this person has nobody in this world but just only Luic. All of this started from one day when Luic knew that his wife was pregnant, he was so happy that he bought a big bouquete of flowers. He met Angelique in front of his gate when he got out from the car and Angelique on the way out. Because very happy, Luic took one rose flower from the bouqete and gave it to Angelique. Since then, Angelique was seduced by Luic's charm. Angelique started to imagine many things and did many irrational criminal things. In the end, she was arrested and punished that she has mental illness. She was in the hospital for certain period, then prisoned for 50 years. Luic has a happy family with his wife and children. In the end, a janitor of the hospital found out a very nice painting, a picture of Luic, made by capsules, tablets and pills in the Angelique's room. So far, she never took her madicine. The janitor cleaned it up and doctor thought that she was healthy already after the medical treatments. A VO (voice over) of Angelique, still-sick-Angelique said, my soul is sick that I imagine Luic loves me, but my mind and brain is healthy that always tell me it is not true but tell me to always wait for him." So sad,, she said that with the screen showed Angelique go out from the hospital heading to the prison. :(

The message I got from here is that people's charm can make somebody mad loving her/him. Without knowing it, sometimes may be our extra kindness can make people missinterpretate it. May be that is why I think that my "judes and sinis" behaviour is needed sometimes. It is useful to avoid people that we don't want or we don't love missinterpretate my kindness and over charming as the love sign. It will be verry2 complicated when the missinterpretating person is a person who has mental illness like Angelique. It makes troubles for people related to her but in the same time also sad when we look inside her feeling.

Toko Batik: Nous Avons Le Choix

When having lunch in the faculty cafetaria, one of my friends told me about her problem related to her thesis. She told me that everyday she felt so sad, she prayed and read newspaper to get inspiration. Se told me that she was so desperated with that situation. Actually I felt desperate too after hearing her sharing. What made me desperated was that I did not do anything such as pray or read newspaper to get inspiration. Still about the same friend, before taking wudhu in library Mosque, she told me that she felt guilty to the country if she got a bad grade, yeah considering that our recent study is supported by the scholarship from the government. We are free from tuition fee and we can go shopping using monthly grant. Actually I did not really care about her anxiety since I do not have any bad grade.

Because of feeling bored, after having dinner, I decided to go strolling. As usual, I went to the area of Jeron Beteng. Actually I just need fresh air after all of the burden from college. By going around this area, I can get fresh mood without spending any money. However, today I was attracted by my favourite batik shop. I did not know, suddenly I just wanted to stop by as this shop located near the alun-alun utara. I just had limited money in my wallet and this shop doesn't serve payment using card. Then, after choosing two dress, I just could buy one of them since my money was not enough. When going to the exit door, it was closed since it was 9 P.M. haha.. I went home with IDR 5.000 left in my wallet. Then I followed the route of alun-alun utara, then went to alun2 selatan among the crowd of bike full of colourful lamps. Just walking around, then I went home.

Before entering the street of my boarding house, I saw an old man walked with his hand. He couldn't walk, he's difable. Not far from him, there were his dirty stuffs. I think that are his treasure. It was about 9.30 p.m, cold night. That old man struggled with his life. He did not even have any jacket or warm cloth, even may be clean cloth. I don't know whether he has a house or not. If he has, at least he still has to struggle to reach it by walking with his hand. Oh God, what is his job? If he is a tax payer. The money from his tax is the part of my scholarship that I use to shop every month.

Actually I wanted to write about having choices after one class in the 1st semester. My lecturer opened my eyes about why so many people keep going abroad to be migrant labour. It is because they have no choice. Thus, we have to thank God for every choices we have right now. I have many choices, I can study with sufficient condition, I have healthy parents and lil bro, I have perfect body organs, I have future that I can arrange and plan starting from now. Actually that class also opened my eyes when I felt sad in the final struggle in a bus in Jakarta last year. Opened my eyes that in the late at night when I took a bus for going home and taking a rest, a woman stood in that bus with thick make up for going to a club to work as a singer until the morning. She also has a child to feed. How I have many choices. J'ai le choix.

In the same batik shop, about two months ago, after looking my batik style on fb, my friend asked me to buy her several batik dress and sent it. I bought in that shop. It was a day after volcanic eruption. In front of that shop, I saw an old man with his bike containing products he sold passed the dusty street without any shoes or sandals. May be he also doesn't have any choices, even, may be he doesn't have any sandals. And may be he is a tax payer who contributes to pay my scholarship fund.

Considering that I still have many choices, I think I have to aware it. I have to study harder and be useful for environment around me. Not to feel unreasonable sad and blablabla, and struggling harder to reach my dreams.

Following my friend's effort, I'll read many materials to look for the inspiration for my thesis.

Btw, when I have dinner today, I got an information that the parent of this friend is sick in the hospital. Again and a again, I thanks to God that my parents are healthy. See I have many choices and luck. I read in the book that people tend to be so sad despite of everything God give to them. If I'm not mistaken, John Lenon created a phrase related to this: because the sky is blue, it makes me cry. People cry despite of the fact that the day is beautiful with the blue sky.  Then I decide to be happy with all choices I have in my life. Matur sembah nuwun Gusti.

Catatan Dyah Part 2

I'm not Dyah anymore when writing this post. However, there's an organization named Ikatan Bagus Dyah which accommodates  the whole alumni, so I think I'll be dyah wakil 1 forever. *maksa. It seems like suddenly I'm not dyah anymore. I didn't attend the transition of the position due to attending final interview in one ministry in Jakarta. Yup, and suddenly I'm not dyah without attending the ceremony to give my position to my junior.

This idea came to my mind when this evening my lil bro said that it'll be so strange to be back to Magetan after college. So far my passion focuses on one thing. One and the only. One and the only career I want in my life. This idea then closes many possibilities around me. Then, I don't know why, after my short vacation in my home town this week end, my mind was opened in the other way.

Yesterday I went strolling around the town. Actually I always do the same when I went home town. However, yesterday strolling gave me a different sense. When passing every street I used to pass in high school and the previous, the memory came again. That period was so nice. Every tree in the edge of the town street give the peace nuance and story from youth. Then other things crossed my mind were many potential resources I learned and promoted when I was a tourism ambassador, either the tourism resources or economic resources. I think it will be fun if I can apply my study in global trade diplomacy to develop those resources. I was a dyah, may be I'll get the position in the regional government rather easily if there is a formation for my major.

However, that's only the way my mind got picnic. I still believe in "dum spiro spero", which means as long as we breath we hope. I still survive reaching the only career I want in my life. Besides, considering my scholarship recently, if I didn't get my dream, I would be a lecturer, and off course it'll not be in Magetan.

What I want to say here is that I used to ignore the beauty of my home town because my mind was covered by my high obsession. Every time I went home, I didn't see the nuance of  peace, culture, happiness the town serves for everybody there. I was totally focus on my terrible obsession, exhausting effort, and never ending list have to be reached. This town is not so bad. Really. If I didn't have prior dream career and if I din't have alternative to be a lecturer after college, I would directly dedicate my life for this beloved beautiful town located in the foot of Lawu Mountain.

It reminds me when I memorised sapta pesona when participating tourism ambassador selection 2 years ago. Aman, tertib, bersih, indah, sejuk, ramah tamah, kenangan. I get all of those aspects. After my vacation yesterday, I really feel fresh and ready to write thesis and ready to fight reaching my dreams. :D